VisualCrack

< \rant >
OK so here we go, time for getting some things of my chest (or more precisely... off my head!), my head has been turning back to remakes again, probably has a lot to do with this week's release of Rob Zombie's Halloween 2, the next 6 months according to IMDB has at least 2 more remakes winging their way to the theatre, George Romero's The Crazies (I thought Danny Boyle had already done this with the 28...later movies?) and what is looking like a shot-for-shot remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street (with a little bit of character generation prologue tacked on, much like Zombie's lamentable Halloween 're-imagining')...
So the questions I am asking myself are:

1. Why?
2. Is Hollywood really that bereft of original ideas that it has to start trawling the 80s for content?
3. Who greenlights these ideas?

Let's try and deal with these in order, the why... because WE let them, until we start voting with our feet and walking the other way from mediocre remakes and buying tickets for original movies they will keep pumping them out, look at the past few years, we've had.... Friday the 13th, Halloween, My Bloody Valentine, The Fog, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, The Hills Have Eyes, and Psycho (ok I'll give Gus Van Sant his due, he actually didn't remake it just re-shot it from the original shooting script with a new cast, I love Vince Vaughn but he's no Anthony Perkins!!). It seems for every Broken Flowers we have to suffer a Planet of the Apes (sorry Tim Burton, but that really WAS a mistake!), when is Hollywood going to realise Indie cinema is only indie because THEY won't give it a decent distribution... if not for some smart, forward thinking guy at Warners, Slumdog Millionaire may only have got a 200-300 screen release in the US, whilst the rest of the Multiplex 'sheep' would probably have settled for Wanted instead!

Is Hollywood bereft of ideas then? No, they are just lazy fucks, it's easier to squeeze a dollar out of an old franchise than start a new one, there will always be exceptions of course, Fox Searchlight, as it's name suggests, is a beacon shining in the darkness of movie hell but where does the money get spent, on the big budget dross pumped out by director's who insist on putting their names to their own moves like they are some kind of commercial 'auteur', you earn that right through quality, consistency and breaking ground, not because you have an ego that exceeds your penis size by proportional amount... Hitchcock, Powell & Pressberger, Soderburgh, Kubrick.... they earned it... with blood, sweat and tears (all of which usually belonged to their casts)... Rob Zombie... you didn't...so quit it!

Who greenlights them... well, that's an easy one... corporate suits, marketing men in expensive shoes, think Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock but without the wit and charisma, it's all about 'the numbers', the 'ROI', the 'pitch'... creative people scare them, in fact 'real' people scare them, they are about as in touch with their audience as I am with Charlize Theron's vagina!! I think you get the analogy...

So how do we solve this? Here's the action list...

1. Stop buying tickets for sloppy remakes, go pick a movie that looks at least original (even if it's Pixar movie, at least Lassiter and co. make an effort)
2. Stop buying DVDs of these 'all new re-imaginings' and buy the original versions instead, eventually the studios will get the hint (and they are usually cheaper!)
3. Go out and make your own movie... buy a book (I recommend Lloyd Kaufman's 'Direct Your Own Damn Movie'), get a £200 digital camcorder and stick the results on YouTube... TAKE CINEMA BACK!!!

So that's my theory... take or leave it... bitch slap me if you want... just make a comment, send me hate mail... do SOMETHING!
< /rant >